Personal Feminism

I suppose feminism is an actual philosophy; perhaps one that's evolved over time, but basically one that has a set philosophy or agenda. I haven't really looked it up. Rather, I've kind of developed the impression that almost every woman has her own idea of feminism now; the once fairly unified movement has diverged into a range of views that vary based on her individual experiences. In fact, I would like to retroactively include men in that statement, also. So, with that disclaimer, I don't claim this to be true feminism or anything. I claim this to be my philosophy when it comes to women's rights and responsibilities, justice, equality, family, and all that jazz.

Primarily and fundamentally, my feminist viewpoint is that it (feminism, or being a feminist) is about CHOICE above all. The freedom to make an individual choice about how your life will proceed. It's a movement against fitting people into societal niches, particularly based on tradition and traditional gender roles. I find that the movement as a whole would be pointless if we went from 'all women should stay at home and be mothers and homemakers' to 'all women should be working on careers.' Furthermore, it is hypocritical for women to demand supposed 'equality' and yet continue to hold men to the same (or harsher) standard as before. It needs to be acknowledged that being viewed as the 'frailer' and 'more maternal' sex did and still does have certain perks. One of the most heartbreaking? The issue of father's rights.

Brief sidetrack: one of the few legitimate complaints I've heard from guys about feminism relates to the fact that the courts (and "the system") if you will, are still heavily skewed toward women when it comes to divorce, child custody, etc. Furthermore, the feminist view on abortion (pro-choice) tends to completely disregard the potential interest(s) of the father; the choice is considered to be entirely the mother's. Basically, we stereotype men as money-earning (or on the flip side, shamefully deadbeat) machines that don't (or shouldn't) care the slightest about their kids (except, of course, as a drain on resources). I admit, I know, in my generation, only three (unmarried or divorced) fathers. Only one is remotely close to this. The other two (at least when it comes to their kid(s)) are incredibly conscientious. Some statistics support my experience: http://deltabravo.net/custody/stats.php . (Incidentally, here's hoping my sample does not expand too much in the future, I don't really want any friends going through this...). So my point is, a true feminist ought to see the injustice here and ought to be opposed to such practices.

In the abortion question, the question is a truly sensitive one...what if he (for whatever reason, i.e. personal, religious, moral) wants to keep the baby and she does not? And if we allow the man to have a call in this situation, how do we keep him from abusing that right to 'punish' the woman by forcing her through the pregnancy and then abandoning her and the child? If the mother has the choice to abort the baby and give up the responsibilities it entails, why do we hold the father to fiscal responsibility for the child without giving him a choice? How is that fair? Like I said, it is a delicate situation where many possible outcomes need to be foreseen. I don't claim to have answers, but I know that the current system is not working, in the most unfortunate way.

So, back to the subject: true equality isn't about completely equal earnings and equal pay and equal everything. It's about equal CHOICES and opportunities. It's about being able to choose family or career or both no matter what sex you are. To make the right choice for your family based on your situation and not be harshly judged for it. That means removing the stigma from stay at home dads. That means taking turns paying for dates. That means not insisting that 'men' (because I am generalizing) be high earners or buy diamond rings or do whatever, but finding the man (or woman) that best fits you and your lifestyle and the kind of partnership you want to have.

There are still men who want a homemaker wife. And for that matter, there are still women that want to be homemakers, who are prepared for 'mother' being their most important 'career.' There is nothing wrong with that. There may be couples who are both interested in working. Or where the woman is more career-oriented. I realize I am being hetero-centric here, and yes, I don't have to be. This all applies equally to gay and lesbian couples; but then, they already realize this, by necessity ;) . I would even expand that idea of choice to say we shouldn't need to restrict marriage or family to one- or two-parent arrangements. But that's a whole other can of worms.

Moving on. It is my personal belief that the search for absolute 'equality' is doomed. Men and women, on a biological level, are not organized the same way. However, I believe (I see, in my day-to-day life) the variance between people in terms of all character and physical traits--aptitude in mathematics or communication, athleticism and strength, stoicism, neatness, etc. all vary more between individuals than between sexes. Not to mention some of that variance is related to upbringing rather than genetics. So again, we need to stray away from 'all men are this' and 'all women are that' thinking. Maybe we'll end up with 30% women in Mechanical Engineering...or 40% or 20%...or 60%! Regardless, if all women feel free to choose any career and know they will be respected for their skill in it, a cultural victory will have been achieved. A victory of choice.

I should amend that. Women (and men) should be free to choose the lifestyle they want that meshes with their upbringing without judgement; this includes religious lifestyles that stress male dominance, as much as I personally think those are harmful to individuals and the society. If this sounds contradictory...my view, again, promotes choice of lifestyle. If someone is brought up a certain way with certain views (on morality, family, etc), then that may be the lifestyle they are comfortable and happy with, so I cannot convince myself that it is right for me to exclude that choice among others for them if their choices do not actively affect me.

That last was important: Forcing one's views on another, e.g. legislatively, or through violent, extremist, offensive actions, is not 'freedom of' anything. It is impinging on freedom. It is the opposite. Taking away others' choices is the only invalid choice.

I don't think that was a complete philosophy, but probably enough for today, because I need to go home eventually. I'd like to hear what others think of this and have my views challenged; it'll help me further refine them! :)

Happy Women's Day!

It's not widely recognized here in the US, but today is International Women's Day. And especially now, particularly in light of recent politics, I think it's important to celebrate the women in our lives. Mothers, grandmothers, aunts, teachers, sisters, friends, girlfriends... They deserve your acknowledgment, not just as companions or caretakers, but as independent, intelligent, and inspiring human beings. Take a minute to honor these women and their legacy today.

Currently, I'm feeling drawn to call out to the women in my academic and professional life. (Not that women in my other spheres haven't contributed to my life, but these just feel particularly close to the surface right now.)

My wonderful advisors in college and grad school, who are not only mentors and guides through a life-shaping time, but also role models and trailblazers. Dr. W was the only woman faculty member in the Mechanical, Materials, and Aerospace Engineering department where I did my undergraduate work. She introduced me to research and encouraged me to pursue challenges I would never have considered on my own. And then she expected me to succeed, which thanks to her guidance, I could. My current advisor, Dr. A, is one of only two women in Aerospace Engineering faculty, but is a fantastic instructor, a dedicated researcher on the cutting edge, and manages to still have time and energy enough for her family at the end of the day! These women showed and continue to show me that it's possible to have it all.

I'd also like to honor my classmates, the women who inspire me by working alongside me every day. While I have almost stopped noticing that thare are several times as many guys as us ladies in every single class, there are still many times I am glad that I am not the only one. Thanks for choosing this road, ladies. Thanks for being there to commisserate and consult with. Thanks for working hard to give us all a good reputation in this field, where unfortunately we still stand out as 'different.'

Finally, in the spirit of acknowledging historical figures that inspire me, I'd like to recognize Hyptia of Alexandria, who I have only recently learned about. A scholar far beyond her time, she made great contributions to philosophy, mathematics, and astronomy. She became head of the Platonist school at Alexandria in 400AD, where she taught all who desired it philosophy and science, regardless of background. However, by all reports, her life ended tragically at the hands of an ignorant mob that feared and hated her for her intelligence, dignity, and confidence in herself. [source: Wikipedia]

Now, your turn. What woman (or women) have had a strong impact on your life?

Finding a Good One (for You)

There seems to have been a lot of posts on datingish lately about what is and is not appropriate in a relationship. Ultimately, reading the posts and comments has been incredibly frustrating for me, because I think the basis of any functional relationship is actually incredibly simple...

1) Listen to yourself. You, and only you, know what your moral stance is and what you expect from your partner.  Granted, sometimes your moral stance changes (perhaps you moved away from home and are developing your own morality separate from your parents, or you just read a really good book or article or went through a debate with people you respect that swayed you). However, it's not ok to rationalize or justify something you simply don't believe in and never will, just for the purpose of staying with your partner; that will just cause you guilt and resentment down the road. Virginity is just a really easy example here: you see it the way you see it; chances are, neither Xanga commenters nor your boyfriend will not change this view no matter what arguments they present. They may, however, convince you to act in complete disregard for your beliefs, which will most likely end in regret. [Disclaimer: I'm not a supporter of virginity 'till marriage or any particular time or partner or experience; but if you are I can respect that.]

Furthermore, listen to your feelings: are you, overall, happy around your partner? Afraid? Resentful? Angry? Every person, every couple has their ups and downs, but if you dread every waking minute you see them for weeks or months on end, something is wrong (unless, I guess, you enjoy dreading seeing your supposed 'loved one,' then who am I to judge?)

2) Listen to your partner. I don't just mean what they verbally tell you, I mean what they tell you with signs and actions as well. People in our lives tell us more about themselves every day.  Their actions (pay for dinner? ignore you in favor of video games? leave the party with you because you don't feel well?), their words, their tone and body language (you know when his/her apology is genuine and when he's just saying it), all of these things are windows into their being and soul. These things do matter; yes, people change, but the only way people change reliably is when they change for themselves. You cannot and never will change your partner, so find out who they are and who they want to be so you can decide if this is the person you want to be with, going forward.

3) Don't listen to strangers. Their advice lacks important factors. Namely, (1) and (2) above. Strangers have a different morality and different tolerances, and different experiences with their relationships.  I have (virtually) no religious convictions to reconcile with my partner. I've no experiences with cheating, and tend to trust my partners and be very open with them, while encouraging them to be the same.  I believe in graceful, friendly breakups (even when you're heartbroken) and in moving on.  I don't believe in 'fate' or 'the one and only,' I believe in living in the moment and working on relationships (that's putting it very concisely, mind you).  My views may, as a result, be incompatible with your morality, or emotional responses. And frankly as long as you don't push your morality on me (through law), I don't care what you believe is right or wrong in your relationship.

3a): Listen to 'your people'...with a grain of salt. The only people besides yourself and your partner who have any say are 'your people.'  Those that know you (at times) better than you know yourself. We get caught up in the moment and the emotions, and it can be easy to miss crucial factors about a person, which is why (among other reasons) we have people: best friend, mom, dad, sister, cousin, uncle, etc. Whoever you genuinely trust to know you, and hopefully know your partner as well.  However, these people have their drives and morals; so listen to their advice and give it weight, but don't necessarily follow it blindly.

That's all. It's not three steps to finding your soulmate tomorrow, or guarantee a perfect relationship, or anything like that. There are simply no absolutes in this sphere; there is no perfection to even strive for. Right is what works for you and wrong is what doesn't; no one but yourself and your partner can tell you if your relationship is right or wrong for the two of you. Or at least, that's my take. What do you think is important to consider when you decide whether to date (or leave) somebody?

The 1000 Mile Challenge Begins with a Single Step

This was supposed to be a post of triumph over running 50 miles in a month. Unfortunately, it is instead a post of triumph over running 45 miles in a month. Still, it is a triumph!

As of May 1 of this year, I am on a mission. The challenge is to run 1000 miles in a year.

I see beauty in this plan; an elegance of simplicity. I see potential. I see ambition. I love it from a variety of angles. I love this plan because...it's not a plan. I don't like plans; I don't like all my previous resolutions to work out 3 or 4 or 5 times a week. Because if I don't live up to that goal, I have failed. And I can tell myself whatever I want, but the emotion remains. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't disciplined enough. I didn't do it.

This plan is impossible to mess up: even if I run 5 miles in a week instead of my goal of 10, or 15, or 20, that's still 5 more miles to add to my total! I also like it because my measurement (miles) relates directly to my effort (running). I can fairly give myself recognition even if I don't see the side effects I am hoping for--muscle gain, weight loss, increased endurance, increased energy. I like it because it gives me a reason to go on even if I don't see those desired side effects; because the main effect of adding miles to my spreadsheet is still there.

To be fair, I am seeing the results. I definitely have more muscle now--I hurt less after running than I did 4 weeks ago. Not just my legs either; I feel less chubby all over, although I haven't lost a pound. Yet.

Also, tracking my miles has given me a convenient time and place to track my pace; even though that changes slowly, it might go down before the numbers on the scale, thus giving me another way to gauge my improvement! I usually hate tracking, but when the numbers can only go up (and it's a good thing!), then it gets a whole lot more fun! Plus, I give myself 'awards' for reaching milestones. This week I'm looking forward to finally getting my "nickel badge" for getting 50 miles (or 5%). It's also a kick to have people ask me, what's your mileage now? I find it's harder to get external motivation for "go to the gym 3 times a week." (Yes, I've tried!)

The 1000 mile challenge doesn't have to be 1000 miles. Nor does it have to be running. My friend and my mother, who are doing this with me, are both choosing to walk all or part of it; my mom is choosing to only aim for only 500 miles. You could also measure your weightlifting (try to lift a whale! in "pieces" of course) or other workouts (I'm out of ideas here, but if you do other things you can get creative!)

Ultimately what I am trying to convey (and prove) is that to get everyone moving we need to look at alternative ways of motivating ourselves and evaluating progress. I don't do well with 'practice' or 'routine' tasks; I do well with projects that I can break down and work on anytime I choose.

What drives you to get your running shoes on? Are you a 'routine' person or a 'project' person?

Migration?

So...I love xanga and I wish it was a thriving forest of awesome for me.

Unfortunately, it stopped being that around sophomore year of college.  My friends who used to be on it, check it every day, comment on my posts, post things of their own, etc have largely migrated to other sites or stopped blogging altogether, choosing to communicate through Facebook notes or even eschew electronic communication.

I, through a combination of events, have moved to Blogger.  I used to have certain types of posts that would go to one site or the other, but lately Blogger has seemed attractive for everything. I'm building a community there, and it lets me follow wordpress and other blogs (even xangas that publish RSS feeds!) which is nice.  There are other factors, too...at times Xanga shows up weird in Google Chrome (it's happened more than once), for example.

I still like to read Xanga, so I'm not giving up on it completely...but I am officially deciding that Blogger is going to be my blog for most purposes from this point forward, which means posts here will be even fewer and farther than they already are.